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Sunday, 10 May 2009


  • I don't even know what to think right now .... i am so overwhelmed by so many things

    i feel so far away from everyone and everything ... i want to go out and drink, i want to do something to make this feeling go away ... and it didn't help any when i saw that my mom had sent me an email today
    here it is ...

    On this mother's day I have thoughts and feelings I never expected to experience. I have a few things to say to you:
    I don't know where or how to begin...
        I don't understand what is going on with you right now, or why you felt you had to depict a horrible family life. Dale and I have tried and given our very best. We know we weren't perfect and obviously not what you thought we should be. If you wanted us to feel pain you have been successful. I hope it brought relief or resolution for you.
        I remember so many times we (you and I) talked about our close relationship and how we liked to do things together.  We talked about how other kids didn't like doing things with their parents. Was that all pretending?
        I guess you were right when you called yourself a good manipulator. I had no idea you thought so badly about us. 
      you need to know that I never regret the decision to have you!!! (I did have a choice. Your birth father was willing to pay for an abortion. I turned down his money, and he left .)  Maybe some day you will be able to explain all of this to me because I surely do not understand one little bit of it.

    i don't really know what i think about this right now ... i just don't really trust her right now. i am starting to second guess myself ... after i read this email i have been dealing with the guilt f it all and i am feeling kind of suffocated by it all. i just want to run away from it all ... i am so overwhelmed by the urge to cut that i am seriously considering giving in ... i want to feel some control in all of this chaos.... i don't even know if it is right for me to feel like i was wrong in what i did ... and what is it going to take for my mom to realize that i am not lying... i just feel really compelled to not confront anything anymore, i feel like it wouldn't be worth the backlash to keep going... but at the same time there is this other part of me that wants to keep going anyway... i feel like i am back at the place i was earlier this year.
    i don't understand why my mom doesn't believe me ... i just want to give up on everything ... i am at the point where i feel like i can't fight it anymore, and i know that i have before, but now more than ever ... i have trouble sleeping i can't stop thinking about all that has happened ... analyzing it and over thinking it trying to figure out what i did wrong ... why did i have to stand up for myself, i don't see the benefits of it right now ...
    i am having a hard time dealing with the whole dad thing ... in the email the fact that he was going to pay for the abortion takes me back a little bit and yet my mom kept me ... but there is still that part of me that realizes that i will never have the chance to meet my real dad and it really hurts ... i am finding it hard to talk to anyone about this because i know that know one would really understand what i am going through and i don't want anyone to be worried about me, i just don't really want to be inconvenience right now ... i have noticed that this week i have wanted to withdraw from everyone but i have tried not to.
    the stress this week has affected me physically ... i have been in a lot of pain and really tired (more than usual) and i have not been eating as much ... i know that it is prolly not a good thing but i really just feel as though i gain some control that way .... i hate all of this, i want it to all go away...
    i am sick of fighting

Saturday, 09 May 2009


  • this past week has been very interesting ...

    in counseling on monday my counselor told me that my mom had written him an email ... he gave it to me to read and i am still very angry and hurt by her... the email basically said that i lied about everything and that i made everything up, that i just wanted attention and that i have always done that... i told scott that his was the whole reason that i didn't want to have that conversation with them becasue i knew that my mom wouldn't believe me and i knew that she wouldn't take my side ... she never has why would she now. the more i let the email sink in the more i wanted to crumple it up and throw it and then just curl up in a ball and disappear. i was so angry and hurt and completely distracted.
    scott told me that when he read the email that he really felt like she was trying to convince him that she wasn't a bad mother and he looked at me and said why does it matter what i think i am never going to see her again. scott said he was angry for me and that he was sorry that this was the outcome. he kept telling me that what i did was a good thing and that he was glad i did it. he also said that i took a chance and confronted everything with the truth and he said that when you do that it is a good thing but it doesn't always go well.
    the thing that bothers me most is that my mom put on such a good front in the session ... i mean she appologized and was crying (now some of it could have been real, but i am not so sure anymore) ... she lets it all go and i believe that everything was fine then she turns around and stabs me in the heart and walks away.... thats what it feels like ... now i am looking at moving out completely, but i have to figure everything out before i do anything ... i need to get a job and figure out a way to get insurance for me and my car, get an apartment and convince student development that i can live off campus.
    with all of this i have been so stressed i want it to all go away the cravings for alcohol and cigerettes have come back and there have been times that i want to cut over and over again. but the eating is what is getting to me, this week the thought of myself is disgusting... i haven't wanted to eat and whe i do it takes everything to keep it in
    on monday towards the end of the session after we had talked about the email and how that made me feel he asked if there was anything else i wanted to talk about that day and i hesistated for a few minutes and then said well actually i printed off a blog entry that i wrote but it brings up an entirely new issue and i didn't really want to tell you. he read it and then told me that he was really glad that i told him. he just touched the surface of the whole eating thing asking me if i had a history of it and things like that. scott told me that all of these things like cutting and disordered eating is all of how we try to deal with our emotions... we didn't really get any further but he said that we would continue it the next week.
    it did feel good to tell him ... i just don't want to deal with my life anymore ... it seems so much fore than i can handle.
    ...still trying

Thursday, 30 April 2009

  • so ... on monday i had this thing with my parents ... they came to school here and my counselor was there too and basically i read them a letter about all the things that i had worked through... the abuse and all of that. it all went better than i thought it would however i got some news that I was not expecting. the person that i thought was my real dad isn't and my real dad died when i was four. to hear my mom tell me that completely floored me ... i was so shocked and caught off guard and then to find out that he isn't alive anymore... i just wanted to disappear and my counselor, scott noticed that i wasn't ready for that.
    after the whole thing scott had me stay to talk a few mroe minutes with me and he asked me to put the dad thing away mentally in a box for the moment so that i could enjoy the rest of the time with my parents.
    with that said ... once i put something away like that i don't want to get it back out ... i don't want to deal with it ... it makes me so sad and angry and frustrated with myself and my mom. its there and i have been thinking about it a lot ... i don't think that it has really hit me yet and i am not looking forward to when it does ... it is going to be hard. Scott told me that it is completely normal for me to grieve over this and that i need to.

    may term started yesterday and i am living in a townhouse with 5 other amazing girls i am blessed i just wish that my life could have some normalcy to it.

    the other thing that i have been dealing wiht lately is that now that i have dealt with telling my parents and i am able to move on something has surfaced with a vengance ... I have mentioned it before ... my self image ... there are days that it is hard for me to keep any food down and just the sight of food is disgusting ... it has been a roller coaster with these feelings this week and right now i am fine but i know that it wil come again ... i just hate it though ... its like everytime i deal with something, another thing surfaces. i know that i need to talk to scott about it but i dont really want to ... i can't even really tell you why but i just don't ... i am so sick of myself sometimes ... i told a good friend about this when i was relly struggling with it the other night and i told her that i didn't really want to tell her cause i felt like such an inconvience ... which i do, whenever i have something i need to talk about i don't want to inconvience anyone ... why do i always think that ...
    but i am dealing with life as it comes and gos
    still trying

Tuesday, 31 March 2009

  • I am feeling so desperate to get my hands on something to hurt myself with .... i can't take it anymore ... i can't think and i want to scream ...

    i hate this ... i thought about turning on my straightner and using that to burn but my roomate is in the room so that won't work. i am so pathetic ... i wish i had my car keys and my debit card ... i really want to smoke

  • my brother may very well be the biggest jerk that i know ...

    so i wrote my brother an email the other night and told him everything ... all the things that i have been dealing with and all of that and this was the email he sent back ...

              Well, not really sure where to go with this. Anyway here it goes.  I am not going to compare childhoods, but mine was no "Brady bunch" family.  I had a bi-polar father that attempted suicide at least 4 times i can remember, he was in the ER every Christmas for blood sugar in the 700 (most people dead or unconscious).  A step mother that treated me worse than Cinderella with a father that never intervened.  Mothers second marriage was a disaster to a Vietnam veteran husband that abused like a POW.  I attended at least 9 schools that i can remember.  I've watched my father get arrested trying to kidnap me from my grandparents house, watched him come home from a bar with his jaw and nose broken in a bar fight.  Constantly heard moms side of the family tell me how horrible my father was.  Slept at mothers work at times because she couldn't afford child care. Oh, by the way mom sometimes couldn't afford to feed both of us so she would go hungry so i could eat and somehow managed to keep that from me until i was an adult.  I can't remember how many countless pets i had to give up because i moved all over every year.  Hell, Gordon's childhood was worse than mine, and Becke's was no cake walk, but we all deal and without hurting ourselves or anyone else.
     
         Yes, if you compare your childhood to Katie's than it was horrible considering the Horsemans had the "Brady Bunch family".  Through everything i don't blame anything on mom or my dad.  Shit happens and they did the best they could at the time.  Am i distant and anti-social a lot of the time? Yes. Is that because of my childhood?  More than likely it was, but i deal with it.  Why do you think i don't come home very often.  I moved away to do my own thing and that's final.  It doesn't mean i don't care about anyone i just like to be left alone with the family i started.  That really isn't right because Andrew and Jon need to see their family, and Becke helps me with that.  You know every time i think about how crappy my childhood may have been, think about the children that are sleeping in the streets with know one to care for them.  The kids that have no idea when or where their next meal will come from.  Try it, it works and it works for a reason.  Ours childhoods could have been worse and there are children out there that are dealing with worse this very minute.  If that doesn't break your heart and take the focus off of you than i don't know what will, and maybe use the energy used thinking about yourself and make it positive energy to volunteer in a homeless shelter or something that might make someones life a little better. 
     
         I have not been this great brother to you, Jennifer, or Nick and i know that, but it is just easier that way for me.  I mean think about it, i forget birthdays, christmas, and everything.  It's not on purpose, it's just easier that way.
     
         If counseling helps you great, but i never thought they are worth a shit.  All they do is sympathize and it really doesn't solve anything.  Just focus the energy wasted on talking and do something meaningful.  I.e. homeless shelter, more school, job, something.  That is my opinion, no one else's, just mine.  Take it with a grain of salt.  Life is too short to feel sorry for myself all the time.  Hell, i have so much housework and getting the boys ready for school tomorrow i need to get started or i will have another night with minimal sleep.
     
    Andy

    JERK! ... right now i really would just like to call him and tell him that he is a selfish jerk and i don't care to ever talk to him again

    seriously though ... who does that ... this is the very reason that i leave things alone and don't let people in ... when i do i get burned.    i just wanted him to care and love me but he doesn't ... none of my family does

    i hate this ... i hate myself... i hate my family         i just want to cut ... thats all i want to do and runaway forever.    i dont want to feel like this ... i feel like i have been stabbed in the heart by my brother

    i thought that i felt alone before ... oh no this is on a completely different level .... he is such a jerk ... i don't even understand how someone could do that

    i can't even write anymore i am so hurt and angry

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